Monday, December 16, 2013

Dealing with fertility and surrogacy during the holidays...

This is a tough time of year for anyone dealing with infertility and surrogacy.  The past week has been very emotional for several of my clients and friends - we have spent lots of time of the phone in "therapy" sessions.   The holidays in general make many of us hyper emotional (just ask MY family about my own holiday melt downs over the years), but it's especially difficult for those who are trying to have babies at the same time.   I have several clients taking vacations versus heading "home" for the holidays.  This is usually met with a lack of understanding on the part of the rest of the family - some in the family just can't understand WHY the struggling couple isn't coming home to celebrate with sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews.   It's supposed to be about ALL the family, right?   I'm here to say, NO, it's not about the rest of the family - it is about the feelings of the couple who are trying to remain hopeful and keep their heads above the emotional turmoil that is always always lurking when facing the hardships of creating a family.  So, if you just aren't ready to face going home this year, it's OKAY to want to go off to lands far away from the typical Norman Rockwell scene.   This is a very individualized experience - you are entitled to feel exactly how you are feeling at this time.

Even intended parents who are pregnant struggle at times when they are looking at family members who are pregnant and actually able to carry and SEE and feel this experience.   Some have expressed to me a feeling of sad detachment right now - yes, they are thrilled to be pregnant, and next year will be fantastic when they have their baby(ies), but right now it still seems so intangible, so distant.   I know that for a woman, it's always going to feel strange to have someone else carrying the child that she always wanted and thought would be inside of her own body.   But, I'm noticing the men expressing the same feelings - I honestly never thought it would hit the male as hard as it is.  This is particularly true of the single clients.

It is my hope that everyone reading this understands that all of these feelings are normal.  Others feel this way too.  And, I'm here to tell you that you are not being selfish in your self preservation if you've decided to break tradition and fly away this holiday.  It's OKAY.  Do what you need to do to keep afloat.  This is the hardest undertaking of any other experience in life, and if you've not been through it, you can't really fully understand what this takes out of a person emotionally.   For those who are reading this who are the support group for the Intended Parent, do not take it personally that they just can't be with you this year, it's NOT about you right now.   NEXT holiday season will hopefully be much much better for all.

Take care of yourselves everyone, keep going and thinking ahead.  Talk to someone if you're feeling sad, detached, or are struggling.  There are many of us out here who do understand.   Let me know if I can help.

Kim Hendrix
Complete Surrogacy Solutions


  1. Thank you for sharing this. It's so hard for people to understand why there are times when we simply can't participate with them in the way they would like us to. It's not that I don't want to- it's that I know that listening to one of my relatives complain because her baby is kicking her isn't something I can do right now. Knowing I'm not alone in these feelings helps.

  2. That second paragraph applies to us so much we are 26 weeks with twins but instead of feeling happy this christmas we feel detached and alone. Thank you for letting me know im not alone in feeling like this


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